Archive | September, 2011


30 Sep

Yesterday I signed the official papers to end my marriage. Then I went and had copious amounts of margaritas with some friends.

Were we celebrating? Commiserating? I’m not sure.

What I do know is that I have some great friends and an amazing support system. I had a moment during dinner where I was just so humbled to have such wonderful people in my life. Over the past 13 months, they’ve allowed me to just be me with no worries about how I appeared to them. It was okay to be a crazy person. They got it. They allowed me to be fine one minute and go through an entire box of Kleenex the next. They allowed me to express love for my husband and then rip him to shreds, all in one breath. They have truly been invaluable. Good girlfriends are a necessity for any woman, but the woman going through a divorce will truly find a new level of appreciation for these gals.

As I reflect on yesterday, my ex is signing his part of the papers today. I don’t believe he is happy or at peace with what is happening, but he’s doing it anyway. Perhaps, this is his final way of trying to show his love for me. It’s been an emotional day for the both of us. My heart aches for him. Despite it all, I don’t enjoy seeing him in pain. I know this is extremely painful for him. I pray that he will eventually be able to find peace and move on. The compassion I have towards him often surprises those around me. Why would I want to see him suffer? I once pledged my love to him til death do us part. I meant it. It may not be in the traditional sense, but I still mean it.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” -Dalai Lama

Love and compassion,


The Official John Hancock

29 Sep

Today is the day that I will officially sign my divorce papers. Once this is done, it will go to the courts and a judge will sign off on the official divorce in about 30 days. Naturally, I’m not feeling great about it.

I wrote before about being ready and how I was feeling on the day the lawyer called and said the papers were ready to sign. Everything in both of those posts still applies. I’m ready, but I’m not happy. It’s time, but it’s difficult to believe it’s here. It’s the right thing for the two of us, but it doesn’t make me happy.

Divorce sucks. It’s sad. It’s devastating. It’s challenging. It’s life changing.  It’s forever.

The best way to describe it to people who haven’t felt everything I’ve felt is to say that I feel at peace, but incredibly sad. It seems contradictory. It took me a long time to feel at peace with this decision and some days it seems I’m more resigned to the fact that at peace with it. Sometimes in life, doing the right thing – the best thing – is the hardest thing. I would say this qualifies.

Ironically, September 29th also marks the day I signed the papers to buy our house just a short two years ago. So much can change in two years.

So today, I will sign the papers that will forever change my life. Today I will end my relationship with a man I love and care about deeply. Today I will do what needs to be done. And today I will be at peace yet incredibly sad. That’s where the margaritas come in.

Peace and sadness,

A Lunch Date

24 Sep

Yep. A date. Well, I’m pretty sure. Haha. I wrote before about my spidey sense trying to figure out if a Saturday morning tennis lesson was a date. I think it’s pretty safe to say at this point that today it was a date. But a lunch date. Low risk. Low commitment. Safe. Totally what I needed.

It’s becoming a bit more clear that he’s interested in exploring things beyond a friendship. But I also think he’s being cautious. Moving extra slow. I’ve decided this is not only okay, but this is exactly what I need right now. Move too fast and I’ll probably run away. Jump right in and my world will be a little too shook up. Be too impatient and ruin something that could turn out to be pretty damn good.

It helped calm me down once he admitted through a text that he’s currently kind of digging on me. My words, not his. Lunch today finally gave us a chance to really sit down and talk. Get to know each other better. Mildly flirt. Laugh. Try not to make complete fools of ourselves.

I’m pretty sure that’s the very definition of the word date. Right?

Dating, flirting, and laughing,

John Hancock

23 Sep

I got a call from the lawyer’s office today that the divorce papers are ready for my John Hancock. Remember the other day when I said I was ready? Well, I still feel ready but certainly not great. At peace with my decision, but not completely at peace with the fact that this has happened to me.

It’s a really weird feeling. It’s a hard one to describe. So far I’ve found that my friends who have been divorced get it without any explanation. My friends who haven’t been through this question what my hesitation means. Does it mean I’m not ready? Does it mean I have doubts about going through with it? Does it mean I’ve changed my mind. No, no, and absolutely not.

It does mean that it’s a huge step. It’s a turning point. It’s final. Official. Real.

When I got the call, I immediately felt sick to my stomach. Anxious. Nervous. I wanted to cry. Signing these papers means forever leaving him and the relationship behind. It means forever being “divorced”. Ouch.

I still have a hard time with the failure aspect of this whole thing. People say I didn’t fail. I tell others who are divorced they didn’t fail. Believing this myself, about myself, is a whole other ballgame. Signing these papers means I’m admitting I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place. It means I’m breaking promises. I meant it when I said “til death do us part.” Now I don’t. It means forever having an ex-husband. A first husband. Not the end of the world, but certainly not something I’m proud of. It’s obvious I still have some work to do. Focus on the things I am proud of. Not be ashamed to say “I’m divorced.”

I know these things will come. I also know I’ll sign the papers next week. At some point. Margaritas will be involved.

Love and moving on,

Words for my Friend, Part 3

22 Sep

This series began as a result of trying to help a very good friend who found out her husband wants a divorce. To catch up, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

After my first email to my friend, I told her a second installment would be coming at some point. This is my latest email to her. Unedited, unchanged, honest.

Picking up where I left off; some additional thoughts…

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21 Sep

I called the lawyer’s office today to draw up divorce papers. I’m ready. Well…. “Ready as I’ll ever be” definitely applies here. I also had a session with my therapist today and we were talking about a new man in my life. She asked if I’m ready. I am.

It would be easy to prolong our separation and wait to file the official divorce papers. We already have our separation agreement in place. We’ve already come to an agreement on things financially and legally. We don’t have any pending problems. We aren’t in a constant state of distress or arguments. Now I understand why people can stay separated for extended periods of time without filing for an official divorce. The marriage is already done. It’s just the state that has to proclaim it at this point. The only difference a divorce makes at this point is we will file separate taxes and we could get remarried if we want. That’s not in the cards for me any time soon. So what’s the point?

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Words for my Friend, Part 2

18 Sep

This post is part of a series in response to my very good friend whose husband just told her he wants a divorce. In part 1 I kept it simple. Sometimes simple is all that’s needed; sometimes we need more. This post was originally part of an email I sent to my friend. The only editing I did for the blog was to take his name out of it. Everything else remains just as I originally intended it and felt it.

Here are some thoughts from my experience (yours could be totally different)…

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Prince Charming

17 Sep

I don’t believe in fairy tales, but the eternal optimist in me does believe my very own version of prince charming is out there somewhere.

[insert picture of mom & dad here]

Caption: My mom with her own version of prince charming

My prince charming will…

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16 Sep

All at once,
the world can overwhelm you.
There’s almost nothing that you could tell me,
that could easy my mind.
—Jack Johnson, “All At Once”

One of the transformations I’ve made over the past year is my desire to just keep things simple, stupid. Not that I ever purposively meant to be complicated or overwhelmed with stuff, of course. At one point after our separation, I became extremely overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that we had in our house. While it was difficult for him to move out, he was able to do so without thinking about all of the stuff he was leaving behind. Much of this stuff has been sitting in our office, guest bedroom, and garage since we moved into our house. It was just something that we both avoided dealing with. Afterall, who wants to deal with a bunch of crap?

poster for the TV show Hoarders

Sometimes I watch this show to remind myself that it could be WAY worse

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14 Sep

I’m writing this post a bit late (as I tend to do), but it’s something I’ve wanted to write about for a while. I remember this day often.

Back in August, I was having a rough week. On top of being incredibly busy with work and school just starting, my air conditioning went out. In Wilmington, NC. In August. It was 100 degrees. No lie. I came home to find the house rather steamy one night after yoga. I’m guessing it was off for a while but I didn’t really notice it until it was getting close to bedtime, when I always turn the air up a bit for comfy sleepy weather.  So it’s 83 degrees in my house and about 80 outside. Yes, at night. Buddy and I didn’t get much sleep.

I got up the next morning and as I was getting ready for work I dropped my I’ll never admit how expensive it is hair dryer. Broken. Just like that. This is not looking good. I head off to work with the house still at 80 degrees. I know that if the AC guys can’t come out today I’m going to have to get Bud a place to stay so he’s not suffering during the middle of the day when it was supposed to reach 110 with the heat index. Yowzers. Continue reading