Words for my Friend, Part 3

22 Sep

This series began as a result of trying to help a very good friend who found out her husband wants a divorce. To catch up, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

After my first email to my friend, I told her a second installment would be coming at some point. This is my latest email to her. Unedited, unchanged, honest.

Picking up where I left off; some additional thoughts…

1. This is not happening as a result of anything you did. Not one piece of it. It is all about him. I promise you that. I wouldn’t necessarily say that to any of my friends getting a divorce. Sometimes there are things we did. Towards the end of my marriage I became even more stubborn, impossible to please, and battling all of the battles I could possibly find. I think in the end this pushed him into the arms of another woman. [side note for blog: this will be further explored and explained in another post] In your case, I truly believe you didn’t do a thing. This isn’t some kind of karma coming back to get you. This isn’t because God is punishing you. This is all on him. Do NOT blame yourself for your husband being bat-shit crazy.

2.  Having said it’s not your fault (and it’s NOT. LISTEN TO ME!), perhaps it does mean there is a lesson here for you to learn. Sucks right? You know I’m kind of hippie sometimes and I really do believe that sometimes we get thrown into the fire to learn a life lesson that we are meant to learn. If we don’t learn it then we have to keep going through certain experiences until we do learn it. When the dust settles a bit, you will have time to think about the lesson. This doesn’t happen right away. This takes a lot of work. You will get there. Take your time.

3. You will come through this as a stronger, better person…. If you’re willing to work. What is it with me and work today?! I truly believe I am a much better person today than I ever was in my marriage. What a shame I had to go through all of this just to figure that out. SO annoying! BUT, so true.  At some point, once you’re really doing the work, you will have an unbelievably awesome moment of true awareness. Self love even. It’s amazing. And it will happen. You’re already awesome. Just imagine how much more awesome you could be after this.

4. You’re probably wondering what helped me when I decided to really work on myself and figure out what in the hell happened to my life. This isn’t something I’ve talked with you about before because I know some of it sounds loopy. When you’re truly hitting rock bottom you’re pretty much willing to do anything. So anyway, it was a combination of therapy every two weeks for an entire year, discovering yoga again, hypnosis, visiting psychics, and a lot of WTF moments. [yes bloggy friends, you’ll hear more detail about all of these in future posts] Yes, that says hypnosis and psychics. Crazy right? But that’s exactly it… I was feeling totally crazy. I was willing to try anything. It just so happens that they actually helped. I’m not saying you need to do the same things. What I am saying is that you have to just do whatever feels right for you. I probably wouldn’t suggest becoming best friends with the vodka bottle or various men you just met at a bar at 1:00am on a Tuesday though. Although vodka is yummy…. I digress. The trick is trying to stay somewhat healthy (HA!), while working towards becoming the best, healthiest version of your self by the time it’s all over. And when I say over, I have no idea when that is. For me it was about a year because in NC you have to be separated for a year. However, I know there are still hurdles ahead. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to explore ways to move forward. Out of your comfort zone even. This whole situation is crazy. Crazy kind of has a new definition doesn’t it?

Well I think that’s enough of my jibber-jabber for now. I think it bears repeating that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you. I know you think it is. It’s not. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it until you yell at me to stop – you can do this. You will do this. You are stronger than you think you are. And he’s a turd.

I love you!


One Response to “Words for my Friend, Part 3”

  1. Mikki July 13, 2012 at 11:09 am #

    Well Amy, I read your blog about your friend. I have to agree…he is a turd. You do need to keep reminding her that this is not her fault because we both know she will always secretly blame herself. I personally offered to “off” him before they got a divorce so she could get something from the bastard but she didn’t want that or anything for that matter. I hope that she read your words and took them to heart. Thanks for being supportive of her. She needs someone to tell her its okay that it didn’t work out. Keep up the blogs, they are very good. Or should I say they are fucking good! 🙂

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